My first time…

Ma première fois…

I remember it. I could talk about it as if it was yesterday and yet I’ve met for the first time a few years ago now…

I see this always in my early career as a nurse, probably because during the study the nurses I am always passed through this meeting. Oh yes, I have lived in another way via interventions with the fire brigade, but not on a hospital care. Especially as I had crossed, passed out after… I never had the time to do the presentations.

The first time, I was at the evening service of follow-up care of cancer. A wonderful time where you are then the only male nurse in the service, accompanied by two aide-caregivers. They had told me to be wary, at the beginning I did not feel the moment when I met her.

This evening, apart from the other patients, I take care of this lady. 60 years at the most. The family was present that day, on the request of the physician of the service. The orderlies took charge of the patient, I was taking care of the family. Or rather, I was… Sad room in which it had lowered the blinds to reduce the sun’s rays transperçaient then the room. As if the room was not cold enough with an atmosphere like that… The patient was living with it that could corrode his two lungs, wavy hair is a golden strong, but now preferred to sleep… She was quiet but asked a lot to his lungs. I had been instructed to regularly take its constants. The only thing that had me crossed your mind is : “is it my job ? Take the constants ? I can’t do anything other ?

The three children, two women and a man, asked me what is it in bole of the current status of the health of their mother. I could only ask the physician to receive it, probably because I didn’t know at the time. Over the course of the afternoon, nothing took place. The children asking what had happened, what was happening, what he will pass, when ?

Towards the end of the afternoon, I have not been able to succeed. Not been able to take the voltage to the left arm.

– It is normal ?
– It must be the monitor, I’ll look for another one.

Response to beginner. The second monitor didn’t work anymore. This is where I understood really what was going to happen. The family had not understood, but in view of my head, I think they suspected something.

– I’ll be back.
– Something is not right, is it ?
I think. Take advantage of my absence to stay with her, I think it is time to show that you are there and say a few words…

Me cowering in my office nurse, I phone the doctor stayed in his office.

You can get to the patient in room 412 ?
– Why ?
– I can no longer take the strain, I think it is for now.
– And you want me to do what ? I can do nothing more.
If you can help me, you can show the family that the physician is present… And you can assist me also because brothel, I don’t know what to do !

Once he arrived, I accompanied him then into the chamber. He took his stethoscope to listen to the heart of the patient… I don’t know if it was just my imagination or if I could hear it, that heart which was beating and driving away… As if it was the sound of footsteps walking away, walking away… The doctor looked at me. His eyes wanted to say. The children have also understood. Their mother had passed away, permanently. I do not recollect, not necessarily everything that I’ve been able to say this afternoon, or what questions I had asked the kids… But I remember what the daughter screamed at me cry at this moment :

– You knew it all the time, and you have said nothing !

No I didn’t say anything, yes I knew she was leaving. But it was not yet gone when I was there. She was still living. It is for this reason that I told you to stay near her, to talk to him, tell him that you love him. No, I have not used the word dreaded, no, I have not presented the great reaper, no, I didn’t want you pleuriez in front of her.

It was the first time that I took charge of a death as a nurse, this is the first time that a family was shouting at me. This is the first time that you introduced me to the death.